Thursday, January 3, 2008

If I'm Being Honest - - - Today SUCKED!!!

This bear looks EXACTLY how I feel today!!! Let me explain . . .

Well, 2008 has really started off with a big ole 'bang'!!! I'll do this little 'vent' and then I'll move on past it. But, today really . . . well, it SUCKED, if I'm to be completely honest about it! It's really A LOT easier to blog about the happy things in life, but not about the crappy things. I guess I just don't want to come across as complaining. But, I'm realizing that 'venting,' even if it is to people I don't know, helps me move past the problem. So, here goes . . .

Without going into great detail about the 'who', 'why,' etc., I was basically told today by someone I respect that I'm well . . . . let's see . . . . CRAZY! That makes a person feel especially great about themselves, let me tell ya! The word 'crazy' was never used, but it might as well have been! When someone tells you that [and I quote] "You really need to think about talking to someone. And, by someone, I mean, like a counselor or something.", well, let's just say that really doesn't come across as a pat on the back. It comes across to me as "You're a nut case and you need to seek professional help."

Let me give you a teensy tinsy bit of background. I've suffered with depression for many years and was diagnosed about 7-8 years ago. I take antidepressants every day and I thank God for them. I do not think that having depression and/or taking antidepressants makes you any less of a person and it certainly doesn't throw you into the category of CRAZY! I lost my grandmother, who was one of the most important people in my life, in 2004. Just after she died, my dad got very sick and was diagnosed with lung & brain cancer in February of 2005. I watched my dad die before my eyes for the next 11 months. He died on January 9th of 2006. To say that the last 2+ years has been difficult is an understatement. I have had a very difficult time with this, as is understandable. After daddy died, I felt like I had died. I ran on adrenaline for so long that once he was gone, it all came tumbling down on me. At least, that's how I felt.

So, now it appears that because I'm not the same Jennifer that I once was, because I get very sad around the holidays and the anniversary of my dad's death, because I have headaches worse than before, because I'm not skipping around laughing all the time, because I'm not meeting someone else's expectations of who they think I should be . . . I'm CRAZY to them! It just hurts me to think that someone that I respect & admire thinks this about me. To think that all the good things I've done & continue to do don't matter to this person hurts more than I can even begin to explain.

Along with the "crazy" implication, I also got the "the reason things aren't going right for me is because of you" implication. I can't really go into a lot of specifics about this, but the general situation is that there are some major issues in this person's life that have nothing to do with me. I just happen to be someone who can take the heat for the things that have been happening. The person(s) who really are to blame get off scott free, which quite frankly . . . ticks me OFF! I wanted to just scream . . . "Look past the end of your nose for one second and realize that the problem has nothing to do with me and a whole lot to do with you and the things that you let others get away with." Of course, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to rock the boat or make things any worse than they already were.

I have no idea what to think now. I feel like I've been used as a scapegoat for a situation that I have no control over + I feel like I have no respect from this person at all! Should I just overlook it or should I address the way this conversation made me feel?

So, thanks for listening to my rant. Give me your suggestions on how to deal with it. For now, I'm very . . . . . . .


Becky, Mom, Mommy, Hey you, said...

I don't know how or even why someone said that to you, but sometimes when someone suggest we visit a can be a good experience.

If you are getting headaches, it could be the cause of the stress or the medicine and it's a good idea just to go 'vent' at someone else..take some of your stress away...get someone else's opinons..or just plain ole get it off your chest.


Christine said...

What I've learned, people have different ways of dealing with stress, loss, and depression. I am no counselor, but I've also lost my daddy, and I know the feeling you are talkig about. It's as if a part of me died with him, and I haven't been the happy go lucky girl, I was. Thankfully my grandmother is still alive, but I can sense her time is short, she's eighty and she looks like she's just getting tired. To be honest, I don't know what I'll do without her, I'd seriously be lost. Not in the sense of losing it, but a really deep feeling of sadness.

Which even though the feeling of losing my father hasn't gone away, and in April it will be ten years, I've come to accept my feelings and just let them take their course and know that my Dad is watching me and he's always with me. The feelings come and go, like a rollercoaster ride, one day I am just fine, and happy, and then next week, something reminds me of him, and the sadness hits me. I think this is perfectly normal. We are human, and I don't think anyone who's ever lost someone, will ever feel over it or just let the feeling go. That's what I think anyway. You know what I mean.

HUGS to you Jennifer!
Personally I don't know the person who told you to seek counseling, may not have meant what you think or feel they meant. They may have been just offering you the only solution they could think of, and were just trying to be helpful.

Hope your weekend days are better!
Take care.

Sorry to ramble on, and you don't have to post this comment, I just wanted to let you know, that your NOT alone. :)

Abzdragon said...

Some people don't understand that people deal with things differently and you shouldn't have to/don't need to live up to their "standards". If you feel fine, then that's what matters... they have no place telling you to see a counselor imo.

I was in therapy for a year for different reasons... but now I kind of feel like my blog is a great form of therapy. If something good happens, I write it down... if something bad happens, I rant/vent... and people give me support!! It's really great and cathartic!!

Anyway, keep your head up!! xoxo