Friday, January 19, 2007

A Million Thoughts

Well, it's been a good while since I've really blogged, so I thought I'd do a little tonight, since I've got A LOT of thoughts running through my mind. Not that anyone ever reads these things or is even remotely interested in what's on my mind, but I find it very therapeutic. I've always had a journal, but I have to say that I like the fact that I can memorialize my thoughts by typing them out instead of writing them. Sometimes my thoughts get a little long winded & I get writer's cramp, so typing is much easier for me. I'm use to typing a lot - - - that's the bulk of my job - - - so, it doesn't bother me near as much as writing does.

The new year is off to a rather blah start. I can't complain, but it's just not been the most exciting year, so far. I was so hoping that 2007 would usher in with a lot more excitement and happiness than 2006 did. I'm having a lot of sleepless nights AGAIN! I know it's just stress. I wish there was a good way for me to deal with it, but I just can't come up with it. I read, I blog, I work sudoku puzzles (my latest addiction), I pray, and the list goes on. I do deal with stress A LOT better than I use to, but I guess it's just who I am - - - the worry wart - - - and, 9 times out of 10, you just can't change the core of who you are. I had a good long cry tonight, which I suppose I've needed for a while now.

One of my VERY favorite shows is Grey's Anatomy and tonight's epsidoe hit just a little too close to home. For those of you who don't watch it, one of the interns' dad was diagnosed with cancer a few episodes back and tonight, he died. I saw myself in George (the intern) and his family. It took me back to the day I lost my daddy. I miss him so very much and I just don't know if I'll ever be whole again. When he died, a part of me died with him. People say it takes time to get over it, but if I'm being honest, I just don't believe you ever get over the death of a loved one. Time heals NOTHING. I think time just helps ease the pain a little.

Lately, I have this terrible sense of failure and haven't been feeling a whole lot of love. That's not to knock anyone in my life. It's just simply how I've felt. I think sometimes I have expectations of people that are just too high. And, when they don't follow through, I'm disappointed. Of course, sometimes I have no control over those expectations because people put themselves out there as being one way or the other and then don't follow through. After 30 years on the planet, I should know that people are who they are and no matter how much faith you put in them, until they're ready to be the person who you know they can be, they won't be. You should never give up hope, but I think something that I'm learning is that I should not put a lot of expectation into people who have never shown me otherwise.

The fact that I've been terribly disappointed and hurt by people in the past - - - even recently - - - doesn't change the fact that I still love and care about those people. I love being there for people, giving and doing for people. Bottom line - - - I love people VERY MUCH, but but there comes a point when it crosses the line into being used and unappreciated. So, I have to protect myself and deal with those types of people a lot differently from now on. That will NOT be an easy task, but it's something I know I have to do.

On a different note, I'm neck deep in charity work and it helps me with the feelings I've been having of inadequacy and failure. I am a team captain for Relay for Life, which is an American Cancer Society event. Our team is relaying in memory of my daddy and that is what motivates me to give 100% to the cause. We have a wonderful team, so far, and I know others who will be joining soon. It's great to know that I have such wonderful friends and family who are willing to work towards the same goal - - - honoring my daddy and raising a ton of money to help those people going through the same experience that he did. It's very touching to see the excitement in my team's eyes and hear it in their voices. I know that we will be successful in our efforts because these people TRULY care about what they're doing. They're not just going through the motions. You'll probably hear more than you care to hear about Relay for Life and you'll read a bunch of blogs about it. It's just that I'm THAT excited about it!

Thank you, my precious friends, for reading this blog and listening to me "vent." I am truly blessed and grateful for all the special people I have in my life. I hope that all of you are having a wonderful new year, so far, and that you will continue to be blessed in 2007.

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