Friday, July 28, 2006

Frustration & Such

I've been journaling for years & it really does help with stress. Apparently, the new thing these days is blogging, so I set this up to blog my thoughts and share with my family & friends.

My title pretty much says how I'm feeling these days - FRUSTRATED. I've found myself in a little bit of a "funk" lately. Not really certain if there's a particular reason for it. Sometimes I think a lot of it is just the events of the past year catching up with me.

Most of, if not all of, you know that my daddy passed away on January 9th of this year after a hard battle with cancer. Since his death, I've almost felt lost, as weird as that sounds. I was consumed with daddy's illness & care for almost a year, so now that he's gone, I feel like I'm wandering around trying to figure out what's going on.

I've learned a great deal about myself (and others) throughout this experience. I've learned that I don't have as many "true" friends as I thought I did. My daddy always told me that if I could count my true friends on one hand by the time I was 30, that I should consider myself very blessed. Well, I do believe that I can count my true friends on both hands (minus a few), so I truly am blessed. But, I would feel just as blessed if I had only 1 true friend in a slew of so-called friends. I've been dealing with a situation over the past few months with someone that I thought was a true friend. Actually, I shouldn't say I've been dealing with it, because that's not an accurate description. I've pretty much given up on the whole situation. But, I don't feel like I've lost much. The only thing I lost was time. I gave so much time, energy & effort and now I feel like I've been robbed of that time, which is so precious to me. After everything I've gone through, it comes down to a "friend" pouting and running away because of a "disagreement." I say disagreement very lightly....the disagreement was this....she wanted to control my every move and I DISAGREED. With all that said, because I don't want to focus on that anymore, I am blessed to have such wonderful friends in my life who are TRUE in every sense of the word. I have reconnected with 2 of my childhood friends and it is amazing how you can just pick up where you left off. I love them dearly, as I do all of my friends. Without them, I couldn't make it some days.

Lately, I've been terribly frustrated with financial matters. I'm normally not one to share these kinds of things because I am very private about money, among other topics. However, I feel like I need to "vent," so.....

In the past month or so, I made a HUGE error in my check register that has cost me quite a price. I would love to be able to blame someone else, but the truth of the matter is....it's MY fault. I still haven't figured out what I did. I don't know that I ever will. It was so bad, that I finally got completely ticked off and started a new check register. I'm more angry with myself than anything. Anyone who knows me well knows how meticulous I am about banking things. I had a bad experience many years ago with my bank, which wasn't my fault, and it made me very anal/paranoid where those things are concerned. So, that's why I'm so angry with myself. This never should've happened, but now that it has, there's nothing I can do about it but try to dig myself out of the hole that I've managed to fall in to.

What makes matters worse is that everything, EVERYTHING but salaries are going up. I feel like I work for nothing most weeks. I work very hard and have pretty much nothing to show for it but a bunch of bills. I had finally gotten myself into a position where I felt like I could start looking to buy a house/condo, but now it appears that's not going to happen. Who knows if it ever will. I put over $200 worth of gas in my car every month. And, I go absolutely NOWHERE. Home to work and work to home. Pretty much everywhere else I go is between the two places. On top of normal, everyday expenses, I am on more prescription drugs for my allergies, etc. I was supposed to start allergy injections today, but I can't afford to start them right now. Even with insurance, it's going to cost me several hundred dollars per month. And, that's several hundred dollars I don't have. When, and if, I start these injections, I will have 3 injections twice a week for at least 6 months. Then, it will gradually get less, but I will have to do injections for at least a year, but more than likely two years. So, who knows when I'll be able to start those?! I've been told by my allergist and my family doctor that this is the ONLY thing that can possibly help me. So, that makes it even worse when you know what can help you, but you can't afford to do it.

I know I'm whining right now. I certainly don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am very grateful for all that I have. I know that I am by far NOT the only person with financial problems and definitely NOT a person who is bad off. It could be a lot worse. I know that. I just needed to "vent," as we all do from time to time.

Going to attempt to do some work around the house this weekend. That will keep me busy and won't allow me much time to feel sorry for myself.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

More later . . . . . .

JENNIFER :-)

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